Kehilangan

Losing a child is every parent’s nightmare.

Never across in my mind that one day my child will die before me. NEVER.  And it happens to me, in split second, he left me forever. Without any warning, without saying goodbye and never in my mind, it would be this way.  

I love him so much.  

I miss him so much.

Only ALLAH knows how I feel now, but I must be redha. Ini ketentuan Allah. No one can stop it. NO ONE. Sudah tertulis, ajal Dzafri sudah tiba pada 20hb Mac 2010, pukul 8.50pm. Semuanya sudah tertulis. My second son, DZAFRI HISYAM BIN KHAIRULANWAR, passed away peacefully on 20 March 2010 at 8.50pm, at ICU/NICU Ampang Puteri and he was 15 months old (born on 22 September 2008).

He was first diagnosed with dengue (the diagnosed and confirmation of the dengue was made by our regular pediatrician at Wangsa Maju) and later transferred to Ampang Puteri on 20 March 2010 (Saturday) because Dzafri had trouble breathing and the first hospital doesn’t have the proper equipment.
The minute we arrived at Ampang Puteri by ambulance, the consultant paediatrician at the ICU/NICU ward have said this to me:

 "Your baby is too sick. What happened? I cannot promise you anything...."

WHAT? What?????? Said that again???? But still in my head, I thought to myself that this doctor is wrong. Yeah, me, without any medical background, wants to tell to this experience doctor that he is wrong. And he continues:

 "I think this is not dengue, this is something else. He is too pale. Does he have thalassemia?" I quickly replied to him:

 "No. What do you mean by something else? The doctor (referring to the earlier paediatrician) told me it was dengue."

"Never mind. I will do the test first." He replied.

I kept quiet to myself, not saying anything and just let the doctor and his nurses doing their job. I was with Dzafri in that ICU room, waiting for my husband and Dzarif as I arrived earlier with the ambulance. Still in shock of what the doctor told me, but I still remaining calm. Tapi dalam hati, Ya Allah, Tuhan saja tahu. I just want to scream, yell, cry ... and all I want to do at that time is Dzafri to be ok and we can all go home. Dzafri was put on oxygen, drip, wayar sana sini-at his chest, hand, his little feet. He starts to merengek, maybe because tak selesa dgn wayar-wayar yang banyak tu. He didn’t cry, but he wants me to hold him tight. Tapi macam mana nak dukung him with all the wayar, dari hidung, lengan, tgn, kaki semuanya ada. I tried to make him comfortable as I could, but I know, he's scared. Me too.

After 1/2 hour in the ward, Dzafri tertidur and I quickly make my way to the registration counter as hubby is stuck in the traffic jammed. Habis urusan di kaunter tu, I quickly ran back to the ward and there, the doctor is waiting for me to show Dzafri chest Xray.

"Its pneumonia. It’s getting worst. What actually the doctor told you?"

I explained to him the whole thing, from the first day Dzafri had his demam which is on Monday night, we went to see his paediatrician on Wednesday and was admitted on Friday because the doctor suspected dengue or viral fever, and which the blood test done on Friday and Saturday with the platelet count drop to 28, the paediatrician confirmed it was dengue but, Dzafri had trouble breathing since Wednesday and the paediatrician told me its only phlegm and something to do with Croup bacteria/virus.

"No. This is nothing to do with dengue or viral fever. Its pneumonia and his chest X-ray shows that his right lung is filled with pus? (nanah) and he need to be operate immediately".

I was nearly fainted.

My hubby was outside at the visitor lounge, waiting with Dzarif, because kid under 12 are not allowed to be in the ICU ward and we had nobody to look after him. I agreed with the operation thing and quickly ran to my husband, asked him to see the doctor and explained to him once more. Just before that, another doctor came into the room. The nurse introduced him as the Pakar Bedah Paru-Paru. He was holding the chest x-ray and was saying something to the first doctor. Then, he explained to me. This time, his words really make me want to cry.

"Its pneumonia but I ternampak satu benda asing dalam paru-paru dia ni. I rasa ada ketumbuhan. Growth."

"Growth?"

"Tumor"

YA ALLAH!!!

At that time, I am really confused. Sad. The reason the whole transfer thing  from the previous hospital to Ampang Puteri is because he has trouble breathing and the doctor there confirmed that it was dengue. How can from dengue be a tumor? He never sick before. Only demam, selsema like the rest of other kids. Bagi ubat, dia baik. Tidak pernah pun dia terbaring lama, kesakitan. Never. He never gets sick before. I really don’t understand.

"Your doctor tak pernah instruct for X-ray?" Asked the surgeon again.

"No. And I pun tak pernah terfikir nak hantar dia for X-ray coz dia tak pernah sakit".

"It’s not your fault. The doctor should advise you. We need to send him for scan. Then baru I betul-betul boleh confirm whether it’s tumor or something else. But from my experience, it’s tumor and maybe dah lama kat sini, maybe since birth. Pneumonia is because of the tumor. I cuma boleh tahu the size, berapa lama and what kind of tumor after the scan. Then baru I boleh buat surgery."

Again, I just kept quiet, trying very hard to understand all this. Dzafri starts merengek balik, and this time, I started to cry. I asked the doctor to discuss it with my husband. Only few minutes inside the ward, he came to get me, saying that Dzafri is crying and looking for me. I quickly ran to get him, seeing that the nurses try to pujuk him but he's still crying and mengamuk rimas because of the wayar. The nurses prepared him to sleep, as before can get into the scan, he must sleep. With the help of the nurses, I tried to give him the ubat tidur. It’s sweet syrup, but my poor boy refused to take it. It’s not like normal Dzafri who loved to eat, drink, even ubat. Since Wednesday, his selera makan kurang and starts on Friday, he refused to drink, eat and even takes his milk. It’s so sad bila mengenangkan, yang dia memang suka makan, but dia akhir hayat dia, he can’t eat.... maybe because sakit yang ditanggung.... I don’t know. I really don’t. Sampai sekarang, every time I ate, I must remember him, because he is my partner when makan time. He will walk towards me or starts mumbling when he saw his plate or my plate or any foods in my hand.

Even though the portion of the ubat given to him suitable for his age and weight, he still can’t sleep. He start merengek again, pulling all the wayar, tried to sit on the bed and he looked at me with his sad eyes, asking me to hold him. The nurses help me with the wayar, and I hold him tight, tried to put him to sleep. Because if he can’t sleep, they can’t put him into the scan machine. Still, he can’t sleep after holding him for almost 15 minutes. The nurse put him to IV, with hope that he will sleep, but no.... He merengek lagi kuat, pulling all the wayar, pusing sana sini, wants me to hold him..... I tried to calm him down, pujuk dia, berzikir, and looks like he wants to sleep.... but I was wrong.

It was 8.35pm. He starts to tersentak-sentak, like kena fit (sawan). I thought it’s fit because dia pernah kena fit on 4 November 2009 and 1 February 2010. I yelled to the nurse, saying that dia kena fit, but the nurse reply to me:

"Ni bukan fit kak..."

Before she could finish her sentence, she quickly called out all of the nurses in the ICU/NICU ward and the doctors. Just a split second, there are about 7, 8 nurses in the room and one of them had asked me to leave the room. That minute I know something terrible happened. I was crying, more into menjerit, meraung, asking the nurses what's going on. Two of them tried to calm me down, asked me to sit on the chair as I nearly collapsed.

My husband was asking me what had happened as he spent most of the time at the visitor lounge because he can’t be with Dzafri in the ward. I told him what had happened. Dia terkejut, quickly berdoa for Dzafri and asked me to do the same. Then, the doctor came and sees my husband.

"I cannot promise you anything. I think there's no hope, but I will try my best."

My husband can only said, Ya Allah. I cried. And only after 2 minutes, the doctor came to us again. I can’t barely hear what he's saying but my husband came to me. Hug me and kiss me.

"Dzafri dah tak ada, yang. Ya Allah."

And it was 8.50pm. I still sit on the chair, crying like I never cried before. Screaming. My husband went into the room. I was still outside, this time I was sitting on the floor, making calls to my family and friends. I can’t walk to the room. I have no strength to do that. I just can’t. I couldn’t face this. My son is gone. I am so sad. I could not explain more. No words can describe it. It felt like my chest just being stabbed. Ya Allah. Beratnya dugaan yang Kau berikan kali ini.

After I have called my friends, Maria and Zul, called my aunties, my brother. Then I called my mom. The minute I told her that Dzafri had passed away, my dad pengsan. Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku. Berilah aku kekuatan. Then I called my mom again to make sure that she and my dad are ok. Luckily, my aunty just stayed near there and a cousin had offered to drive my parent from Kluang, Johor to KL that night.

Then, I slowly walked to Dzafri room. There he was, lying on the bed. I can’t hear his voice again. No 'mama' to greet me. No chicky smile to welcome me. No bye bye hand from him. He just lying there. He's gone. Forever. I held him tight. Crying, screaming his name. Saying No. I don’t know why, but I said "No, Dzafri. No."

I don’t know how long I cried, screaming his name. Then, I sat. I was tired. I asked the nurses, "Betul ke dik dia dah tak ada".

The nurse looked at me, "Betul kak. Dia dah tak ada."

I repeatedly asked her the same question. And she replies me with the same answer. My Dzafri is no longer with me. I miss him. I can still hear his voice. I can still hear his cries. I can still remember his laughter. I can still smell him. And I still remember his smile. Ya Allah, aku redha dgn ketentuanMu. Berilah aku semangat dan kekuatan dalam menempuh dugaan Mu yang besar dan berat ini, Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya, Kau Maha Pengasih, Maha Pengampun. Segala-gala yang terjadi adalah kehendak mu Ya Allah dan aku sebagai hambaMu, redha dengan segalanya. Tempatkanlah Dzafri di sisi M,u di kalangan orang beriman, di syurga Mu. Kau temukanlah kami bersamanya di syurga Mu, Ya Allah. -Amin.

Al Fatihah

Cerita ini adalah coretan oleh seorang ibu yang kehilangan anaknya pada tanggal 20 Mac 2010 disebabkan penyakit pneumonia. Semoga Allahyarham Dzafri tenang di sana...